I think I just want to take a break from people for a while I'm not sure if this is normal or if I could be doing other things to make somethings better or what I need to do. But I am tired of not feeling included even when we are. Its like yes they include us but they still keep us out with small things. I can understand this with Blankenhorn, Amelia's boyfriend he doesn't like me or Aaron.
I don't know why and it is really frustrating. I can understand how he would rather not have us around and so to make Devin feel more comfortable Amelia will not have us around as much. But in doing that she is slowly alienating me. I know this is probably all in my head but it is hard to be with her knowing that Devon would rather not be with us knowing she feel torn between me and her boyfriend.
It wasn't until a few days ago that I realized other than Ashly I don't have any friends in the Company. I don't know any of the wifes or girlfriends. Yes I have talked with them but that is it. There is no one that I can call to just to have girl talk. I really don't mind or at least I thought I didn't. I don't know who Aaron works with or how they feel about us. I know that most of the men in Aaron's company don't like him but I'm not really sure why. I only know a little bit and Aaron never wants to talk about work.
Its like he wants to hide that part of him from me. I'm not sure why. It feels like he doesn't want me to know what happens at work.
As if he is terrified to show me that side of himself. He never talks about work. I have to find out what happened from others and then he gets pissed off that I feel the need to try to understand what happened at work and why he isn't having any luck with anything else. I have suspicions that he is also ridiculed for being LDS or used to be but that it has stopped or at least toned down for a while. I am tired of being left out of his life.
Some days it seems like I am stuck in quicksand. I am stuck in place and unable to move on with my life while everyone around me is speeding by no stopping or pausing to help me out of the hole that I am stuck in. Why is it that just as you reach the edge of that hole that your a stuck in that someone comes by and pushes you back in.
I was able to get out of my hole for a while and I was doing really good I finally felt good and things were going great with my friends and family and my job. I just feel that some where along the line I stumbled into another hole. Only thing time I don't know how deep it is or how long it will take me to get out of it this time.
If you can imagine a beautiful forest path. You can see a long way off the path is lined with huge redwood trees you can hear birds singing to each other. It's a gorgeous summer day its not too hot or cold. Everything is going great you are making good time on your journey. When you stumble over a root or a vine. It slows you down give you a little shock because you didn't see it but your fine. So you keep going. Then it starts to rain nothing bad just a light down pour and then the sky darkens and lightning flashes and thunder shakes the ground.
You get scared but you know that the path is there and even though it is hard to see you keep moving on figuring the storm will blow it self out . Next thing you know you are falling down into a deep dark and damp hole you jump but you can't reach the top of the hole and lever yourself out. You try and try and try to get out but when the storm stops and the sun comes back out but your still stuck in the hole. Your have water at the bottom of the pool and your cold tired and hungry. You suddenly hear someone coming by your hole and you scream and scream to get their attention but they don't hear you. They just keep walking by.
You start franticly start trying to get out that that hole. When suddenly your fingers grasp that edge and you pull yourself out. You stand up dust yourself off and get your bag eat a little bit of food. Then continue on your journey more watchful then ever.
You see another pit in front of you so you start to by pass it when you are pushed in and you can't stop your fall.
You look up to see who pushed you in but no one is there you so start pulling yourself out when someone you know and thought you could trust comes over to “help” you the lift your arms up and hold you so you can get up your are almost there and they let go of you. Laughing as they watch you fall again.
That is where I feel like I am on my path through life. I can't seem to pick my self up to try to get out of that hole but I know I need to so I am trying. I'm not having much success but I am trying. I pray that I have the strength to pull myself out one more time.
Why is it when you are expecting something or someone the world seems to slow down almost to a complete stop and no matter what you do the world just seems to laugh in your face and play the most cruelest jokes on you.
But when you catch a glimpse of the end it doesn't seem as bad as you thought at the beginning so you can finally breathe again but then a whole new fear takes the place of your exaltation and you can't find the end anymore and the light you found is slowly dimming into shadow.
Why is it when you are swimming in a pool of despair and doubt no one reaches out to pull you to safety but when you have finally pulled your self out of that pool someone you thought you could trust comes up and pushes you back in and watches you as you start to drowned all over again.
How can anyone be so callous and mean-spirited that they would try to destroy you to build themselves up so they don't have to feel the pain that they are inflicting upon themselves.
Why do the people you trusted only show their true colors when it's too late. Do they find this fun or amusing or are they just trying to use you to find out what it is really like to live and be appreciated.
Why do these people need to break other people down to feel good about themselves and why is it when you finally are crawling out of the hole that you have sunk into that they push you back into it and laugh.
Why is it that I seem to attract these people like honey does to bees?
Why do I jump into the pool to help someone when I know I can't swim in the water?
Why do I reach for help when I know no one on the edge will reach down?
Why do we believe in the decency of human nature when everything we see and experience tells us it doesn't exist?
Why do I need to guard my heart just to feel love?
Why do I have to fight every day just to enjoy the sunset?
WHY?
