I don't have to run to daycare after work to pick them up and I can still pretty much go and do what I want when I want. Have money to spend on me. Not having to worry about homework or diapers.
I don't have to worry about the days they are easy. I am too busy to focus on wanting kids during the day. Working at a daycare helps too. I think it helps keep me centered on what i need to improve on before I become a mother. I can tell I have already grown and learned a lot.
It's the nights that are the hardest. When everything is calm and quiet the house settling and the dog and cat wandering around the house one last time.
It's at this time that the worry and doubt and the melancholy set in. It's at this time that the nagging voice in my head comes back.... Will I ever get pregnant? ...... what if the dr is right and it will never happen? What if I do get pregnant? will I miscarry? will I be ready? How will I tell Aaron?? What am I going to do? What if God doesn't want me to get pregnant? What if I am not worthy enough to get pregnant? Will the pressure for the 1st Robison grandchild ever go away or will it get worse the longer i'm not pregnant? Why is it that while i have been trying for 4 yrs that i can't get pregnant and yet everyone around me is getting pregnant just by looking at them wrong?
It's the nights when the cosmic design doesn't really seem all that fair I mean druggies and hookers get pregnant with kids they don't want. Teen parents. People who would rather have an abortion then gain 10 lbs. Why do they get pregnant with no problem but I who doesn't drink smoke do drugs have a regular paying job a safe and secure home and love and WANT kids have 0 to NO chance of getting pregnant.
It's the nights when I struggle to remember that God Loves me and wants me to be a mother.
It's the nights when my husband is sleeping so peaceful next to me that I want to cry but can't for fear of waking him up.
I dread nights they are no longer restful times for me but times where I have to fight to stay out of that hole.
I hope i still have enough strength to get out
