Crazy new life

Wow

So life has been really exciting this last year.

We moved back to Utah and we love it out here but Aaron may be going to work in Wyoming we are still trying to figure that out.

But I digress we moved back to Utah on December 5,2009 and were able to get everything moved in and for the most part unpacked. We were blessed to be able to get our endowments on December 19, 2009 exactly 4 years and a month to the day we were married!

For my Christmas present this last year my husband and I were sealed to each other for time and all eternity on December 23, 2009

I will never forget the peace and love I felt that day in the temple as I looked at my husband across the alter and listen to the blessing we received.

I bet you are asking what happened to the baby? well we found out that we were having a BOY!

and we were ecstatic! I had a very normal pregnancy I only got sick twice but the first time it was a extreme migraine and I had to go to the ER and I threw up a few hours after g

etting the pain medicine so I don't count that one and the other time I had HORRIBLE pain in my side that required and ultrasound and 6 HOURS in the ER they would have released me earlier but I wouldn't stop throwing up because of the pain and then the medicine so I don't really count that either.

I did have some spotting at 26 weeks but they decided that it was nothing after having me at Labor and Delivery for 4 hours just to make sure. we never did find out what it was.

You may already hate me but get ready for more.... ;D I didn't really gain weight till about 7 months then I gained about 25 at what seemed like overnight. At 36 weeks I was having A LOT of swelling in my legs so I was in the Dr's office about every other day getting checked out. Well at 38 weeks and 5 days the Dr decided that I was getting preeclampsia and that it was time to start me so at 10:30 am on April 8th I arrived at the hospital and was checked in and was given a room and give one of those "lovely" nightgowns. about 11:30 is when they finally had me hooked up to the pitocin to get things started I was at a 3 and 90% effaced so I was thinking this could take a while and everyone was telling that the contractions KILLED with pitocin but I really didn't feel anything till about 5 or 6 pm that night. This whole time I was alone in my room as Aaron was off doing his own thing as usual. At 3 pm my Dr came in and decided to break my water thinking it would speed things up because I was only about a 5 but I was 100% effaced but I think it slowed it down. By 5pm the contractions really let me know that they were there and they hit with a vengeance. I requested some pain meds so I could sleep I only asked for half a dose because it

only last an hour so I spread it out some. By 6 pm the pain meds were not letting me sleep so I requested a Epidural and my anesthesiologist was amazing the only thing I felt was his finger nail marking my back. I was a weird one apparently because I could still move my legs and I could still feel pressure if someone pushed on my leg but other than that I was numb. Well at 7 they checked me and I was at an 7 and something at 8 pm at 9 pm I was a 9 and 1/2 so they came and checked me at 10 ans I was complete so they started getting the room ready.

I had the best nurses ever. My day nurse was named Carol and my nurse who actually helped me deliver was Besty.

I loved my nurse she knew exactly what to do. So at 10:30 they room is ready and they have me start pushing and at 11pm she called the Dr to tell him I am about to crown so he needed to get there fast. well they had me stop pushing at this point and my epidural had worn OFF!

Needless to say I not happy when 20 minutes later and the Dr was not there and the baby's head was out to his NOSE! Besty had called in a Nurse practitioner to come catch the baby. I remember her calling her in telling her.. The Dr's not going to make it in time.. well as she was gowning up in walks the Dr. he asks if I have an epidural and they tell him yes but it was worn off and he tells them to push the button! I don't think so!

I am panting and ready to cry and he finally comes over and has me push hal

f a push and the baby's head came out. after he gets his nose cleaned out he has me do half a push again and he is completely out!!! But the Dr. almost dropped him because he was so slippery. So he had little bruises on his thighs for about a weeks and a HUGE bruise on his head and it was slightly coned from having to sit at the entrance for 20 minutes.

Our beautiful Baby Boy was born at 11:24pm on April 8,2010. He weighed in at 7lbs 10 ounces

and 20 1/2 inches long!

We named our little miracle Adam Aaron Robison.

He had to spend 2 days in the NICU. he had some trouble breathing and eating at the same time but after having some oxygen for a while he was just fine, the Dr just wanted to make sure he wasn't sick.

We brought our beautiful miracle home on Sunday April 11,2010

Since then it has been one joyous adventure and discovery after another.

4 months down 5 more to go.

Well here we are at the end of the 4th month. still don't know what we are having and the baby is making it hard to guess. Some days I think that it is a boy and other days it seems like a very stubborn little girl. :D

We find out what we are having on November 30,2009 I can't wait to find out what we are having.

A couple days after that we will be moving back to Utah. Aaron is getting out of the Army and going back to school to get his professional pilot licence and degree in aviation. We are gonna be living in Logan by both our parents.

I can't wait to be home with our families.

Due date is April 20,2010

pray for us we need all the help we can get.

Thanks

Love you all

Anna

Finally

FINALLY WE ARE FINALLY PREGNANT!!!! We are due March 24,2010!!!!!

Fighting the Nights

it days like today that I think. Wow it's nice not having kids yet.

I don't have to run to daycare after work to pick them up and I can still pretty much go and do what I want when I want. Have money to spend on me. Not having to worry about homework or diapers.

I don't have to worry about the days they are easy. I am too busy to focus on wanting kids during the day. Working at a daycare helps too. I think it helps keep me centered on what i need to improve on before I become a mother. I can tell I have already grown and learned a lot.

It's the nights that are the hardest. When everything is calm and quiet the house settling and the dog and cat wandering around the house one last time.

It's at this time that the worry and doubt and the melancholy set in. It's at this time that the nagging voice in my head comes back.... Will I ever get pregnant? ...... what if the dr is right and it will never happen? What if I do get pregnant? will I miscarry? will I be ready? How will I tell Aaron?? What am I going to do? What if God doesn't want me to get pregnant? What if I am not worthy enough to get pregnant? Will the pressure for the 1st Robison grandchild ever go away or will it get worse the longer i'm not pregnant? Why is it that while i have been trying for 4 yrs that i can't get pregnant and yet everyone around me is getting pregnant just by looking at them wrong?

It's the nights when the cosmic design doesn't really seem all that fair I mean druggies and hookers get pregnant with kids they don't want. Teen parents. People who would rather have an abortion then gain 10 lbs. Why do they get pregnant with no problem but I who doesn't drink smoke do drugs have a regular paying job a safe and secure home and love and WANT kids have 0 to NO chance of getting pregnant.

It's the nights when I struggle to remember that God Loves me and wants me to be a mother.

It's the nights when my husband is sleeping so peaceful next to me that I want to cry but can't for fear of waking him up.

I dread nights they are no longer restful times for me but times where I have to fight to stay out of that hole.

I hope i still have enough strength to get out

Baby Update.

We got the results of out fertility tests. Its not looking good. I apparently don't ovulate. I have some hormones for it but I don't have enough. So they have out me on 3 different kinds of vitamins to see if that helps and aspirin to see if it will help the blood flow better and get the vitamins where they are needed. on top of that I have 4 different injections that I have to do through out the month. All Aaron needs is some vitamins. It is just getting so frustrating We get so close and then WHAM!!! something happens and throws us back a mile. its like 2 steps forward 10 steps back. I am so sick and tired of it never working. I just want one day where things come together. I am so scared that this won't work. If everything works perfectly and I mean perfectly I still only have a 10% chance of getting pregnant. I have this voice in my head that keeps telling me that it won't work. That I will never be good enough to conceive a child. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. We need all the help we can get. Thanks Anna

Life as we know it........

Lately it seems that everything is going wrong. No matter what we do something goes wrong. On top of that I really don't feel like my self anymore. I don't feel right. It seems like I am doing everything is wrong. I feel lonely when I am surrounded by people. My friends seem to rather not have me around and would rather just leave me out of the activities. I don't know if this is because they don't like having me around or my husband or if I am imagining everything.

I think I just want to take a break from people for a while I'm not sure if this is normal or if I could be doing other things to make somethings better or what I need to do. But I am tired of not feeling included even when we are. Its like yes they include us but they still keep us out with small things. I can understand this with Blankenhorn, Amelia's boyfriend he doesn't like me or Aaron.

I don't know why and it is really frustrating. I can understand how he would rather not have us around and so to make Devin feel more comfortable Amelia will not have us around as much. But in doing that she is slowly alienating me. I know this is probably all in my head but it is hard to be with her knowing that Devon would rather not be with us knowing she feel torn between me and her boyfriend.

It wasn't until a few days ago that I realized other than Ashly I don't have any friends in the Company. I don't know any of the wifes or girlfriends. Yes I have talked with them but that is it. There is no one that I can call to just to have girl talk. I really don't mind or at least I thought I didn't. I don't know who Aaron works with or how they feel about us. I know that most of the men in Aaron's company don't like him but I'm not really sure why. I only know a little bit and Aaron never wants to talk about work.

Its like he wants to hide that part of him from me. I'm not sure why. It feels like he doesn't want me to know what happens at work.

As if he is terrified to show me that side of himself. He never talks about work. I have to find out what happened from others and then he gets pissed off that I feel the need to try to understand what happened at work and why he isn't having any luck with anything else. I have suspicions that he is also ridiculed for being LDS or used to be but that it has stopped or at least toned down for a while. I am tired of being left out of his life.

Some days it seems like I am stuck in quicksand. I am stuck in place and unable to move on with my life while everyone around me is speeding by no stopping or pausing to help me out of the hole that I am stuck in. Why is it that just as you reach the edge of that hole that your a stuck in that someone comes by and pushes you back in.

I was able to get out of my hole for a while and I was doing really good I finally felt good and things were going great with my friends and family and my job. I just feel that some where along the line I stumbled into another hole. Only thing time I don't know how deep it is or how long it will take me to get out of it this time.

If you can imagine a beautiful forest path. You can see a long way off the path is lined with huge redwood trees you can hear birds singing to each other. It's a gorgeous summer day its not too hot or cold. Everything is going great you are making good time on your journey. When you stumble over a root or a vine. It slows you down give you a little shock because you didn't see it but your fine. So you keep going. Then it starts to rain nothing bad just a light down pour and then the sky darkens and lightning flashes and thunder shakes the ground.

You get scared but you know that the path is there and even though it is hard to see you keep moving on figuring the storm will blow it self out . Next thing you know you are falling down into a deep dark and damp hole you jump but you can't reach the top of the hole and lever yourself out. You try and try and try to get out but when the storm stops and the sun comes back out but your still stuck in the hole. Your have water at the bottom of the pool and your cold tired and hungry. You suddenly hear someone coming by your hole and you scream and scream to get their attention but they don't hear you. They just keep walking by.

You start franticly start trying to get out that that hole. When suddenly your fingers grasp that edge and you pull yourself out. You stand up dust yourself off and get your bag eat a little bit of food. Then continue on your journey more watchful then ever.

You see another pit in front of you so you start to by pass it when you are pushed in and you can't stop your fall.

You look up to see who pushed you in but no one is there you so start pulling yourself out when someone you know and thought you could trust comes over to “help” you the lift your arms up and hold you so you can get up your are almost there and they let go of you. Laughing as they watch you fall again.

That is where I feel like I am on my path through life. I can't seem to pick my self up to try to get out of that hole but I know I need to so I am trying. I'm not having much success but I am trying. I pray that I have the strength to pull myself out one more time.

Why is it when you are expecting something or someone the world seems to slow down almost to a complete stop and no matter what you do the world just seems to laugh in your face and play the most cruelest jokes on you.

But when you catch a glimpse of the end it doesn't seem as bad as you thought at the beginning so you can finally breathe again but then a whole new fear takes the place of your exaltation and you can't find the end anymore and the light you found is slowly dimming into shadow.

Why is it when you are swimming in a pool of despair and doubt no one reaches out to pull you to safety but when you have finally pulled your self out of that pool someone you thought you could trust comes up and pushes you back in and watches you as you start to drowned all over again.

How can anyone be so callous and mean-spirited that they would try to destroy you to build themselves up so they don't have to feel the pain that they are inflicting upon themselves.

Why do the people you trusted only show their true colors when it's too late. Do they find this fun or amusing or are they just trying to use you to find out what it is really like to live and be appreciated.

Why do these people need to break other people down to feel good about themselves and why is it when you finally are crawling out of the hole that you have sunk into that they push you back into it and laugh.

Why is it that I seem to attract these people like honey does to bees?

Why do I jump into the pool to help someone when I know I can't swim in the water?

Why do I reach for help when I know no one on the edge will reach down?

Why do we believe in the decency of human nature when everything we see and experience tells us it doesn't exist?

Why do I need to guard my heart just to feel love?

Why do I have to fight every day just to enjoy the sunset?

WHY?

Merry-Go-Round

Well here we go again. We are about to start fertility treatments again. I'm not sure if I am excited, terrified, annoyed or apathetic or all of the above. I am tired of the maybe I am maybe I'm not crap that happens every month. I am not sure if I can take the disappointment again and again and again every month. I want a baby so bad I'm just so tired of the disappointment and heartache of not being able to conceive. The thing I want most in this world is to have a baby. But it never seems like it will ever happen. I am so nervous about what might happen at the appointment tomorrow. I have to be there for 2-2 1/2 hours i am really nervous that they might find something else wrong with me or That everything will get worse or that I will find out that we will never be able to have kids. I just hope that everything will work out. That even though it may be hard that I will have the strength to keep doing the treatments when faced with nothing but disappointment. Wish us luck and keep us in your prayers. Anna and Aaron